This life-story has been excerpted from the book 'They Lived With God' by Swami Chetanananda, published by the Vedanta Society of St. Lois. To read the entire studied life, and lives of 27 other close disciples, please read this book. (Swami Chetananda has also published a book on all 16 the Monastic Disciples of Sri Ramakrishna 'God Lived With Them')

Reminisces of his life

Memoirs of Girish Chandra Ghosh

(After he had lost his father and first wife, and was almost dying with Cholera after his second marriage - before meeting Sri Ramakrishna)

'At such a crisis I thought: "Does god exist? Does he listen to the prayers of man? Does he show him the way from darkness to light?" My mind said, "Yes". Immediately I closed my eyes and prayed, "Oh God, if thou art, carry me across. Give me refuge. I have none. I remembered the words of Gita, "Those who call on me only in the days of affliction, to them too I bring succor and refuge." These words sank deep of my consciousness and gave me solace in sorrow. I found the words of the Gita to be true. As the sun removes the darkness of the night, so the sun of hop arose and dispelled the gloom that had gathered thick in my mind. In the sea of trouble I found the harbour of response. But I had nurtured doubt all these years. I had argued long, saying, "There is no God." Where would the impressions of these thoughts go? I began to reason in terms of cause and effect and argued that such and such a cause had produced such and such an effect, which was instrumental in bringing release from this danger. It is said that doubt dies hard. Again I fell victim to doubt. But I had not courage to say boldly, "God does not exist".

'Desire for inquiry came. Looking into the current of events, sometimes faith, sometimes doubt, emerged. Everybody with whom I discussed my problem said unanimously that without instruction from a guru doubt would not go and nothing could be achieved in spiritual life. But my intellect refused to accept human beings as a guru; for one has to salute the guru with the words, "Guru is Brahma, Guru is Vishnu, Guru is the Lord Maheshwar [Shiva], the God of gods, etc." How could I say this to a man like me? This was hypocrisy. But the tyranny of doubt was intolerable. Terrible conflicts pierced my heart through and through. That condition can be better being imagined than described. Suppose a man, all of sudden is forcibly dragged to a dark solitary room with his eyes covered, and kept confined there with no food and drink. What will be the state of his mind? If you can picture his mental condition, you will be able to understand something of my own. There were moments when I was breathless with emotion. Thoughts of despair bit through me like a saw. At other times the memory of the past was revived and the darkness of my heart knew no bounds.'

Sri Ramakrishna went on to Balaram's house and there I followed him. Balaram was lying on a couch, seemingly ill. The moment he saw Sri Ramakrishna he got up quickly and with great reverence prostrated himself before him. After an exchange of a few words with Balaram, Sri Ramakrishna suddenly exclaimed, "I am alright, I am alright". So saying, he went into a state of consciousness, which seemed very strange to me. Then he remarked "No, no, this not pretence, this not pretence". He remained in this state for a while and then resumed his normal state. I asked him, "What is a guru?" He answered, "Do you know what the guru is? He is like a matchmaker. A matchmaker arranges for the union of the bride with the bridegroom. Likewise, a guru prepares for a meeting of the individual soul with his beloved, the divine spirit". Actually he did not use the word match-maker, but a slang expression, more forceful. Then he said, "You need not worry. Your guru has already has been chosen." I asked, "What is the mantram?" He replied, "The name of God". And as an example he told the following story.

"Ramanuja used to bathe in the Ganges early every morning. A weaver by the name of Kavir was lying on one of the steps leading into the water. Ramanuja's feet accidentally touched the body of Kavir. Being conscious of the divine presence in all beings, Ramanuja exclaimed the word Rama. On hearing this name from the lips of a holy man, Kavir took it to be his mantra, and by chanting it, eventually realized God."

The talk drifted to the theatre, and Sri Ramakrishna said, "I liked your play very much. The sun of knowledge has begun to shine upon you. All the blemishes of your heart will be washed away. Very soon devotion will arise to sweeten your life with profuse joy and peace". I told him that I had none of those qualities, and that I had written the play with the idea of making some money. He kept quiet. Then he said, "Could take me to your theatre and show me another play of yours"? I replied, "Very well. Any day you like". He said, "You must charge me something". I said, "Alright, you may pay eight annas". Sri Ramakrishna said, "That will allow me a seat in the balcony, which is a very noisy place". I answered: "Oh no, you will not go there. You will sit in the same place where you sat last time". He said, "Then you must take one rupee". I said, "Alright, as you please". Our talk ended.

Looking back at my former objections to a guru, I understood the pride and vanity which had lain behind my rationalizations. I had thought, "After all, the guru is a man. The disciple is also a man. Why should one man stand before another with folded palms and follow him like a slave?" But time after time in the presence of Sri Ramakrishna my pride crumbled into dust. Meeting me at the theater, it had been he who first saluted me. How could my pride remain in the presence of such a humble man? The memory of his humility created an indelible impression on my mind.

A few days after my visit to with him to Balaram's I was sitting in the dressing room of the theatre when a devotee came to me in a hurry and said with some concern, "Sri Ramakrishna is here in his carriage". I replied, "Very well. Take him to a box and offer him a seat". But the devotee answered, "Won't you come and greet him personally and take him there yourself?" With some annoyance I said: "Does he need me? Can't he get there himself?" Nevertheless, I went. I found him alighting from the carriage. Seeing his serene and radiant face my stony heart melted. I rebuked myself in shame, and that shame still haunts my memory. To think that I had refused to greet this gentle soul! Then I conducted him upstairs. There I saluted him touching his feet. Even now I do not understand the reason, but at that moment a radical change came over me and I was a different man. I offered him a rose, which he accepted. But he returned it again, saying: "Only a god or a dandy is entitled to flowers. What shall I do with it?"

'One night', in a gay and drunken mood, I was visiting a house of prostitution with two of my friends. But suddenly I felt an urge to visit Sri Ramakrishna. My friends and I hired a carriage and drove out to Dakshineswar. It was late at night, and everyone was asleep. The three of us entered Sri Ramakrishna's room, tipsy and reeling. Sri Ramakrishna grasped both my hands and began to sing and dance in ecstasy. The thought flashed through my mind: "Here is a man whose love embraces all - even a wicked man like me, whose own family would condemn me in this state. Surely this holy man respected by the righteous, is also the saviour of the fallen".'

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